


Caleb Claus is Coming to Town

by pinkevilbob



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Santa Claus, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:28:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28307514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkevilbob/pseuds/pinkevilbob
Summary: Attention Caleb Widogast!It is our sorrow to inform you that the present Santa is at the end of his career and has retired. It is also our pleasure to inform you that you are the next Santa Claus. We are confident that you are the perfect candidate and will uphold this long held tradition of your family. Please prepare yourself for your future responsibilities and know that you are not in this task alone. A team will be sent to assist you in completely the steps you will need to fulfill to become Santa Claus."Well, Frumpkin, I've gotta give this scam points for creativity."
Relationships: Frumpkin & Caleb Widogast, Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	Caleb Claus is Coming to Town

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas!!! ... okay I have 2 and a half hours til Christmas here, but I couldn't wait.
> 
> I mentioned this idea on the Widojest Server, and Sun and Cheese really helped me flesh it out.

Another one of the accursed letters sat at Caleb's place at the small kitchen table. It was the fourth one that day and the seventeenth one that week. "Frumpkin, I thought I told you to stop bringing these in."

The cat meowed showing off his tiny but sharp teeth and then jumped off the table.

"Is that so?" Caleb asked, before turning his attention back to the letter. It read the exact same way that all the letters before it did.

_Attention Caleb Widogast!_

_It is our sorrow to inform you that the present Santa is at the end of his career and has retired. It is also our pleasure to inform you that you are the next Santa Claus. We are confident that you are the perfect candidate and will uphold this long held tradition of your family. Please prepare yourself for your future responsibilities and know that you are not in this task alone. A team will be sent to assist you in completely the steps you will need to fulfill to become Santa Claus._

Caleb snorted at it. "Like getting a new job is that easy." Not that he even believed in Santa, but even if the man existed, it was obviously still a scam. He tore the letter in half and threw it in the garbage. Or at least he tried to. Only one half of the letter made it in. "Never trust these kinds of letters, Frumpkin. They're just trying to get your social security number and your bank account information." But the joke was on the scammers. There was barely even $10 in his account. It had been a rough month for Caleb and he was close to having to share Frumpkin's cat food. Not that it would be the first time he'd resorted to that.

A knock sounded at Caleb's door interrupting his thoughts. "Now who could that be?" he asked Frumpkin, but the cat only yawned. "Coming!" He picked up the half a letter and opened the door.

Standing outside was a strange pair. An incredibly short woman with warm brown skin and two braided pigtails. Next to her was a sullen looking half-orc a bit taller than Caleb, but the half-orc turned on the charm quickly. They both were dressed like elves from the christmas commercials complete with jingling bells on their shoes.

"Are you Caleb Widogast?" the woman asked.

"Ja, but what are you doing? It's not even December yet. Whatever charity you're from or whatever you are selling, I'm not interested," Caleb said. Even if he was interested, he couldn't afford it.

The pair exchanged a look. "Really into the spirit of the holidays,” the half-orc said, rolling his eyes.

“It’s all commercialization and guilt trips for people to spend more than they can afford.” Caleb folded his arms.

“You don’t really believe that do you?” the woman asked.

Caleb nodded. “Ja, I do. Now if you will excuse me.” He started to close the door, but the half-orc put his foot in the way.

“Wait, Caleb.” That was the second time they used his name, but it wasn’t like he was unlisted. It didn’t stop it from being unusual though.

Frowning, Caleb paused. He could at the very least listen to what they had to say. “Ja?”

“You got our letters right? You do know what you are, right?” the woman asked, her eyes big and shining. “We’re here to help you. Being Santa is no-”

“I’ll stop you there. I don’t know what you are selling or what kind of scam you’re running, but I’ll save you the hassle. I have no money or anything of value. So take this to the next sap,” Caleb said.

The half-orc snorted dropping the charm. “You think this is a scam? Why on Earth would we come all the way from the north pole for a scam?”

“I mean I wouldn't put it past you if I didn’t know you,” the woman said. “You have the least honest face I’ve ever seen.”

“Don’t you dare start this, Veth. Not in front of the next Santa.”

Caleb tried to close the door again. “This is getting awkward. Can you go away now?”

The woman frowned at him. “But-”

But Caleb’s attention on her had instantly disappeared when his next door neighbor appeared in his view. Jester Lavorre. She was dressed in a bright green rain slicker with a more autumn toned dress beneath it. Caleb’s heart fluttered when she noticed him and started waving excitedly in his direction. He almost waved back, but then he noticed that in her hand was one of the letters he’d been getting.

“Caleb!” Jester skipped over to his doorstep. While they knew each other well enough to say hello in passing, it was rare for Jester and Caleb to have a proper conversation. “I accidentally got some of your mail today and it looks super important.”

“Oh, danke,” Caleb said, taking the letter. It was just a folded piece of parchment sealed with red wax like the rest of the letters he’d gotten. The seal was already broken. “You didn’t read it did you?”

Jester smirked a little. “Maybe. It was already open when I found it. So is this for like the Christmas Festival or something?”

“Or something,” the half-orc said.

“Oh, I didn’t know you had friends over,” Jester said. “Sorry, I’m Jester! I live next door.”

The short woman smiled. “I’m Veth and the big lunk next to me is Fjord.We’re here to help Caleb become Santa.” She did a curtsy and Fjord bowed the bells on his hat jingling.

Jester curtsied down low and nearly fell over. Caleb caught her and she smiled up at him. A hot red blush rushed over his face. “Thanks,” she said softly.

“You’re welcome,” Caleb said. “But I’m not going through with this whole Santa thing.”

“You’re not? But the kids need a Santa,” Jester said pouting slightly.

Caleb shrugged. “It will need to be someone else.”

“But there is no one else,” Veth said.

“See, Caleb, there is no one else,” Jester said. “Come on, I’ll even help you!”

Caleb froze. “You, you will?” Did she really want to spend time with him?

Jester nodded eagerly. “Of course! I love Christmas and would totally do anything to keep it running. And that means the festival too.”

“Oh.” Of course it was just for the festival, but who was Caleb to turn down the opportunity to spend time with Jester? “I’d really appreciate it.”

“Wait, you’re going through with it?” Fjord asked.

“Ja,” Caleb said. “I am. That is if you’re willing to help, Jester. I don’t know much when it comes to Christmas.”

Jester beamed at him. “I’m a Christmas expert! I’ll make you the perfect Santa in no time! Just you wait.”

“I can’t,” Caleb said. He knew it wouldn't last. That Jester and the ‘elves’ would realize that he had nothing even slightly resembling Christmas cheer. But, in the meanwhile, she was willing to spend a little time with him and he wasn’t dumb enough to turn that down.

“Woo!” She jumped up with a little cheer and then spun around. “I’ll see you later Caleb!”

He waved goodbye to her with what he was certain was a dumb smile on his face.

Maybe Caleb’s luck wasn’t as bad as he thought it was.

“Seriously, a girl? That’s all it takes to get you to agree?” Fjord asked.

Veth shrugged. “My husband’s the same way. Just be glad he’s agreeing.”

“I’m not agreeing to anything,” Caleb said. “I’m just going to wait for you two to tire of your scam.”

“It’s not a scam!” Veth huffed. “Santa really is retiring and you’re the only one left of the bloodline.”

Caleb frowned at this. “Bloodline?”

Fjord nodded. “The Santa bloodline. It has to be someone from his family.”

“I’m no one important and I have no family,” Caleb said. “Look, just be glad that I’m playing along with this. But don’t get your hopes up.” No matter what he did, Caleb always found a way to disappoint those around him.

Veth was grinning anyways. “Too late for that. I’ve got a good feeling about you, Caleb. We’ll start tomorrow.”

Caleb blinked and the two ‘elves’ were gone. “About time,” he muttered to himself as he went inside. “What a pair of weirdos, right Frumpkin?”

“You’ve got that right,” Frumpkin said.

All the blood left Caleb’s face. “What?”

Frumpkin licked his paw. “What? I was agreeing with you.”

“You talked,” Caleb said, shaking. This couldn’t be happening.

The cat rolled his eyes. “I’ve always talked. You’ve just finally decided to listen to me.”

Caleb stared at Frumpkin. Had he finally gone mad? “But, but you’re a cat.”

“And you are a human. We can’t help these things.” Frumpkin rubbed up against Caleb’s leg. “That doesn’t stop me from liking you though.”

“I love you too,” Caleb said. “I think I’m going mad.” He sat down on the ground.

Frumpkin stepped into his lap. “Most humans are, but what brought this on? You seem as sane today as you did yesterday.”

“Frumpkin, you are talking to me and cats don’t talk,” Caleb said. It figured that right after Jester agreed to spend time with him, Caleb lost what little semblance of sanity he had left.

“Oh, that’s just magic,” Frumpkin said. “Now, the spot right behind my left ear needs scratching.”

Mechanically, Caleb scratched Frumpkin. “Magic? Magic is not real.”

Frumpkin snorted. “Magic isn’t real? Shows how much you know. You’ll have a lot to learn if you’re to be the next Santa.”

“You think I’m to be Santa too?” Caleb asked.

“Of course. I always knew that you were to do special things. I wasn’t certain that you’d be Santa, but I knew you were magic,” Frumpkin said. “But, even if you weren’t, I’d still love you.” He licked Caleb’s nose.

Caleb buried his face into Frumpkin’s side. “Thank you. Wait, if you can talk to me, does that mean you’ll stop coughing up your hairballs in my shoes?”

“And deny you the surprises and uncertainty of life? Oh Caleb.”

“It was worth a try,” Caleb said.

Frumpkin moved out from under Caleb. “Now, if we’re to prepare you to be Santa, we need to make you presentable. Especially if that Jester girl is to be there.”

Caleb groaned. Of course his cat was going to be his wingman. It wouldn’t be right if his day didn’t get weirder.

“Chin up, Caleb. She’ll make you a fine Mrs. Claus. I just need to make sure you play your cards right.” Frumpkin stood up and padded over to Caleb’s room. “Come along.”

“Ja, coming.” Caleb was worried that this whole thing wasn’t a joke after all. But would it be that bad if it wasn’t? It wasn’t like he had a steady job anyways. And maybe this Santa gig paid well. For his sake, he hoped so since there was no way he was going back to feeding Frumpkin anything but tuna.


End file.
